Isolationism
by DiscordantHarmony426
Summary: After 2 separate attempts to get some precious alone time have failed, Lincoln has devised a 3rd plan. But will it work when Lola wants him to do something for her?


"Hey, and welcome to the approximately 1,885,000 viewers watching this show. It's me, Lincoln Loud. You've been with us for 3 seasons now, so you've seen firsthand how crazy life with 11 siblings can be. I love my sisters as much as they love me, but sometimes a guy just needs some time to himself."

A massive earthquake like sound is heard while the camera spasms wildly out of control.

"Yeah, I know the last 2 times this happened you didn't like it."

Flashback to the 2 other times that Lincoln was talking about…

* * *

"LINCOLN! IT'S 3 O'CLOCK! YOU'VE FAILED ME!" [bursts in] "YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MAKE LOLA MAD!" [sports her demonic grin and has flames of fury in her eyes.]

[begging for mercy] "I'm sorry! I would've done what you asked me, but I didn't hear you!" [reveals the buds] "I was wearing these. All I heard was the sound of waves. Or was it crickets? Doesn't matter! The thing is-"

[goes from blind with rage to suddenly calm and merciful.] "I know you didn't hear me."

"Huh?"

[The other sisters, sans Lisa, pop in with satisfied smiles.]

"You're not as clever as you think, Lincoln Loud."

[Flashback to what Lola was trying to tell Lincoln yesterday.]

[comes into Lincoln's room] "Lincoln, is this too much mascara? Be honest. It's super, super, super important!"

[having muted Lola out] "Aah. I couldn't agree more!"

[confused] "Agree with what?"

"Right back at ya!"

"Okay, you're weird."

[Lincoln's basketball shoots out of bounds and knocks over his wastebasket revealing the Noise-B-Gone package, which Lola notices, making her make that demonic grin she made in all those other flashbacks.]

[slyly] "So, Lincoln, are you the biggest dork in the world?"

[unable to hear her] "You can say that again!"

"And do you love the taste of dog poop?"

"You know it!"

* * *

"Hey, Linc, you coming to my alligator-wrestling match?"

[pulls Lana away from Lincoln; paranoid.] "Don't invite Lincoln! He could make your alligator trip, or jam its zipper, or break a heel!"

[confused] "What?"

"He's bad luck."

[They turn to him]

[feigning] "I can't deny it."

"Uh...maybe you shouldn't come after all. I'm wrestlin' my first 200-pounder, and I can't take any chances." [pats his foot]

[Now Lincoln is talking to Lola who's spraying her hair in a beehive.]

"Sure, Lola. I'll come to your pageant. I just hope my bad luck doesn't make your hair go flat."

[gasps and sprays Lincoln away] "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

[Lincoln is talking to Luan in her clown outfit.]

"I'd love to attend your performance. I'm just afraid my bad luck might cause a clown car collision."

[gasps] "That would put a dent in things!" [laughs] "Get it? But seriously, don't come."

[Lincoln leaves and is now talking to Lily.]

"Oh, Lily, I sure would like to come to your play date, but I'd hate for my bad luck to cause a boo-boo."

[Lily blows a raspberry at Lincoln. He then comes across Lisa.]

[scoffing] "Pshaw. There's no such thing as bad luck. There's only science. All else is hooey."

[Enter Lori with her golf clubs.]

"Lisa literally has a point. You're coming to my tournament, Lincoln. This family supports each other."

"You're right. I'm being silly. Let me get those for ya." [takes Lori's clubs and pretends to trip.] "Whoa whoa whoa!" [trips over in the bathroom with a lot of clanging going on; comes out with a club dented.] "Whoops!"

[gasps] "My sand wedge! You are bad luck! You are literally uninvited to my tournament."

"I retract my earlier statement. BACK, YE CURSED WRETCH! And don't even think about attending my lecture series on thermodynamics!"

[feigning misery] "Aw, man." [smirks to the camera]

The flashbacks end.

* * *

"Ever since Lola pranked me like that, I haven't used earbuds ever again. Oh, and just between us, Lola does wear too much mascara. She wears so much that I can't even tell where her actual face is. As for the other one, let's just say I learned my lesson from that little social experiment. But there is a way for me to still have my me time and still hear what my sisters have to say."

Lola strolls up to Lincoln's room.

"As if on cue. Lola is probably going to want me to do some prissy thing that I would have no interest in doing whatsoever. She knows this, and that's why she's making me do it instead of anyone else, to make me somewhat miserable. Ok, so here's how it works. I lay down on my bed, relax and just tune out. But for Lola, we might have to use extra strength mode…"

We see Lincoln's brain, which has a lever indicating various levels of wakefulness. A neural Lincoln flips the switch to the highest setting: Pseudocoma. But there is another switch next to it, guarded by a highly advanced security system. This switch only has one setting: Death. It is a literal kill switch. If that switch is flipped, Lincoln dies, permanently. And there's no going back once that switch is flipped.

Lola enters the room to nag Lincoln about something.

"Lincoln! I know a philistine like you is too boorish for such an honor, but the SAC (stuffed animal council) has voted for me, the high empress of Lolatopia, to invite such a barbarian into her pristine and opulent empire. Something about bringing peace to the adjacent lands or something like that. They wanted me to enact a peace treaty with you. So how about we engage in some diplomacy in my empire? Not that you'd know what that is."

(""Lola" and "peace treaty" are two things that shouldn't be able to mix, it's probably a ruse.")

Lola goes up to Lincoln and tries slapping him awake.

"Lincoln! Wake up! Play with me!"

Lincoln is unresponsive.

"Fine, if you won't move, then I'll just move you!"

Lola carries Lincoln's body into Lisa and Lily's room.

* * *

"Lisa, I think Linky died. He's not responding to me slapping him."

"Odd, hook him up to my respirator."

She does so, Lisa monitors him.

"He's still breathing, so he's not dead. Shame, I was going to experiment on his corpse once he passed away."

("Wait, WHAT?!")

"Lola, just leave him here, I need to run some tests on him anyway."

Lincoln's brain switches its tune out lever to the second lowest setting: sleep. Lincoln starts to enter REM sleep.

"Lincoln, wake up." Lisa says as she shakes his body in an attempt to rouse him from sleep.

Lincoln wakes up! But he sees a nightmarish creature coated in chartreuse! It has bifocals as glassy as water and is wearing clothes that someone's grandpa would wear! It has him hooked up to a torture device and is ready to experiment on him. This creature spawned from Lisa jolting him out of his REM sleep and is a byproduct of his sleep paralysis. Wait? It isn't? It's just Lisa? Well, being experimented on by her is still a nightmare. It's just a living one.

* * *

"Ah, elder brother, I see you're awake. Lola thought you were dead."

"So, I heard."

"Well, I'd better avoid Lola. She wants me to partake in some asinine playtime. She actually said she wants to play diplomat!"

"Our third youngest sister playing nice? That's as rare as astatine."

"Well, see you, Lisa."

Lincoln leaves and heads back to his room.

"And that is how the tune out works. Don't worry, I'll only use it if there is a threat to me, like Lynn using me as her sparring partner, or if it's a Lola related activity, because she scares me, no, she scares everyone. Well see you, viewers."


End file.
